I don’t know what I am going to write; I just found myself feeling sappy; grateful of how things had been; God has been good. This is a time when I get to see the real me…what I truly want, what my heart wishes for; what I really enjoy---discovering things without having to worry about hurting someone’s feelings. I finally came to a point when I just want to explore my own little world---on my own.
I used to believe that having someone means having more fun. Sharing each moment w/ a person so special, but then I recognize that sometimes, not having to disclose your life with anybody gives you the possibility to reveal more of yourself to other people; allowing us to realize how enormously different we all are---which could sometimes be disappointing, or challenging and exciting.
Looking back, I can still see the old me. Confident yet unsure; weak but strong. It amazes me how brave I had been; how I kept my pride and faced the world with much grace. I was stronger that I thought; my own strength surprised me; my own actions seemed like they weren’t mine at all. It fascinates me how much love I was capable of giving---how that love turned into a feeling of loss; grief; then---courage.
I was young and stupid and happy. Being young, I felt like I had the license to make mistakes; to be reckless; impulsive; yet I had this urge to always be in control; to make everything perfect. To me, being young was being extremely romantic; having faith in happy endings…trusting that destiny will find its way to me. Then I was mystified… for fate seemed to have gone astray; way too far for me to take hold of.
Then... I grew tired of trying to make everything right; I’ve relinquished the idea of keeping things under my control. I just gave in, then, things are less difficult--- still as complicated but more bearable since I allowed myself to be more laid-back. The things that I was once frightened of no longer scare me. Life is still challenging; but it is not as appalling to me as it once had been. I stopped wanting to be protected, I’ve mustered much courage that I don’t feel that need anymore.
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